Life is such a journey, and looking back, I would not have wanted to go through it without the precious children that God gave Prince Charles and me. Yet, there were many, moments during those years of raising them, that I would often succumb to the daily stresses and the weariness of being consistent in my dealings with unaccepted behavior or attitudes in the process of training them. Also through the years, I have had many encounters with other mothers who would come to me for encouragement and advice who felt that they too were stressed and feeling like they were failing at being a parent. In seeking the Lord as I raised my children, I made many mistakes! Yet, through each mistake I learned to be a little bit better at it and found out some ways to have peace in the midst of those troublesome years.
Today I would like to share some important things that God has taught me in raising children. I do not claim to be an expert but I can tell you that my experience with seeking God during all those years lead to a vast amount of knowledge and information that helped me. For the times that I applied what the Lord showed me brought much gratification as well as satisfaction in seeing the difference that truth or advice made in their lives as well as mine and how it paid off as they got older. That does not mean that they always made perfect choices because of their upbringing, because they did not; but they did learn where to run to and things to avoid the next time.
As parents that is what we really should be training them to do. To teach them how to avoid making mistakes and when they do, where to go and how to make it right. In training them we teach them that life can hit very hard at times, especially when they make wrong choices. But if they learn how to deal with their mistakes and wrong choices when they are small, then they can be spared even more heart ache when they become adults and make fewer mistakes along the way.
Being a parent of a toddler, preschooler, adolescent or youth can have many rewards, but there can be many tough times in between. Striving to be the successful parent that you want to be will come through your willingness to learn, empowerment of discipline when needed and an appreciation for new advice. The early years truly are the years where teaching your children how to deal with and manage their wrong choices, bad attitudes and difficult situations will pay off. What you must keep telling yourself over and over again throughout those years is that their training now is for their warfare later. Just like a boot camp for a solider. There is a time for everything, even formal training from Dad and Mom.
Remember back and see if you can relate with me when your baby was born. It was a huge change in your life and even stressful during those days. You didn't always know why your child was crying at first, because you were inexperienced and you did not yet know the personality of that new child. But you quickly discovered that their temperature, hunger, gas, a soiled diaper, tiredness and fatigue could set off flashing yellow lights of distress. Those were rather easy problems to solve, and you didn't need any special skills, but at the time you were going through them,they were as stressful as dealing with an adolescence or a rebellious youth. You didn't have to ask your baby what was wrong. You just learned to figure it out based on reading their behavior.
Then sometime between 12-24 months your baby became a toddler. Their crawling turned into walking, and gaga googoo turned into real words. They began to point at things, ask for things, and would even start to throw a fit if they did not get what they wanted.
As your child became a preschooler they had to learn to sit with the others, play with the other children and interact with adult authorities as well as get along with other children and share. Again, there was stress. Each stage that they would go through you would say to yourself, “I will be so glad when they get out of this stage!” only to find out that they were entering a new one with new problems. Are you relating yet?
Each new stage brought a whole new set of problems. For me, I began to see that God was teaching me to accept my child in the age range that they were in, not expecting them to behave or reason like an older sibling or older child at church that I had wanted them to emulate. I learned early on that between the ages of two to four years of age, children have little to no reasoning skills. Trying to use logic was many times a bad way to approach a problem during those first few years. If more mothers were able to get a hold of this and understand how that child may be feeling or comprehending things and think at their age level, they would increase their ability to prevent many a tantrum.
Many people give advice about what not to do, but they neglect many times to give us useful suggestions on how to replace the old habit or attitude. By this I mean, let’s pretend that your toddler or preschooler is playing in the kitchen, dragging pots and pans out of the cabinet, and your thinking that you'll be the one to have to clean up the mess they leave, so you want the behavior to stop. You might normally just tell your child to stop doing that and send them to watch TV. If so, then you just tried to solve the problem by using the wrong logic, or by assuming your child will understand that this behavior is not allowed. Guess what, sometimes your child is going to need a better answer than just “do it because I said to do it”, otherwise it will more than likely result in a tantrum because you are taking something from them they are enjoying doing and they can no understand why it's happening. Logic does not always work in every situation and when it does not, move on to something else. Don’t try and cram your logic into them at that point creating an atmosphere of stress and tears. Life will provide that child with many opportunities to learn to obey simply because they should, but to avoid the stress of a child that is just not ready to accept a black or white answer like yes, no, do it, don’t do it….learn to manage the situation, by changing the way your handling it to work for you both.
If telling them to stop and go watch the TV does not work….You might try saying something like Wow, that is making lots of noise…leaving the impression that the game they are playing is making unwanted noise….. And then start to distract your child with something simple such as a tickle and some laughing. This places you in positive manner, not as the mother who is about to take away their fun but shifting them over to other fun. (Remember there are other times to teach them to obey simply because you say to do it, this is a suggestion for times when your saying no becomes conflict because they do not understand the logic in what you say and don’t forget to tell them as you’re changing the situation as to why you are changing it).
Finally, change the scenery by carrying your child over to the window and pointing out something interesting. Maybe it's the squirrel climbing in the tree. The wind blowing the leaves, or an airplane flying overhead. Young children have short attention spans and you will find that you can move away from those stressful moments with a simple choice to take the time and make the change. All you need to do is be a bit sneaky and creative in changing your child's focus while maintaining a positive state of mind. Then, following the distraction, give them something new to do.
Learn to manage the toddler's state of mind. Change the focus of their attention. Use distraction techniques to create an opportunity to shift the child to a new activity. There are plenty of ways to deal with toddlers that don't involve rational explanations or logic. You must be willing to find the one that works best for that child. Keeping in mind that the way the way you train children is different, because children themselves are different, They are created uniquely different with a certain purpose and plan in mind. God’s plan for their lives! Many times parents give in and give up in their discipline because they feel like it’s not working for them. But they should not give up or in, but try something different until they find something that will work for them…if not, in the long run the child is the one who suffers, because they are not being taught to manage their problems or conflicts as young children. Your love and patience will go a long, long way in your training them. Never give up! Never give up!
I always found that in most every instance, that a tantrum or bad behavior was present, that it was almost often the result of a certain negative emotional state that they were in. If you want to change the behavior, you need to change the emotional state first. Language in many forms is a powerful tool that we can use to steer our children into manageable and happier states of mind. After all, kids don't tend to misbehave or throw tantrums when they are laughing and smiling. Always keep that in mind!
In hind site we all can look back on the experience that we gained and say a thing or two about raising children…yet, loving that child never changes, nor does the amount of children you have or the personality of that child matter to the degree of our love for them. But, it is our job as a parent to find out what their personality and logic levels are at each level or stage in their life and meet them where they are. As they grow, then more should be expected from them. But be sure not to ask more of them than they are able to give, for if you do, you will find your self with a very emotional and frustrated child. Seek the Lord in every area of their raising and be sure to do it the way He leads you to, not how the world tells you….and trust God for the outcome!
So please don’t be discourged ….and know that you are not alone….and when you meet a mother that says she can’t relate to your stress and troubled days … then move on sista friend, because that is not the real world we live and love in….this too will pass, so make the very best of it and strive….strive to raise that child exactly the way Lord leads you to….
Understanding where you are and loving you in the middle of it!
Proverbs 22:6 Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it.
Bren
1 comment:
GOOD STUFF!
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