THE PAIN OF HELPLESSNESS OVER A CHILD

I had a precious friend today email me expressing her sorrow and her helplessness over having a son who is squandering his life. Her question to me was, “What can I do?”. She wants to help him but feels that she is losing him in spite of her efforts and with emotions at a high feels like she’s loosing herself in the midst of this turmoil as well. The truth is that as parents, we often times can loose ourselves in the grief of a child that is addicted or gone astray and if we are not careful, in turn, become addicts ourselves, to the grief that we can not let go of.

Parents become brokenhearted and completely baffled when their child becomes rebellious and turns to a lifestyle that leads them down a road of destruction. They struggle because they have no clue as to why “the child they raised” is now making such awful, destructive decisions when they should know better.

Often times that rebellious child’s real problem is not the drugs, sex, cigarettes, cussing, pornography, laziness, crime or a wrong destructive relationship. The real problem is that they don’t see Jesus clearly. As a matter of fact that is the problem for many a folk, not just the wayward child. If we would seek to see Jesus in the light that He is in, we would all be better for it. Our roads would not be so dark nor our choices be so costly.

As a parent, we must be very careful and realize how truly powerless we are over others; and no matter how hard we try, even to the point of deceiving ourselves into thinking that we are helping them, in the end, we find out that instead of helping them, we have become their enablers. At that point we are helping them to stay in their current condition by blanketing their wrong with our wrong in hopes that it will cover or shelter them somehow from the pain and embarrassment from it all. However, the only people that are being deceived by this are the ones doing the covering. Sadly, the very people that we are trying to hide from see the sad despair that is really taking place. And that losing ourselves in order to try to save someone else who is lost means that two people are then lost.

The best thing that anyone can do for their child is to show them Christ; and that the life that He offers can and will surpass anything that they are searching for in that wrong lifestyle. It is not a simple or immediate process, but the sins in their life that distress you and destroy them will only begin to fade away when they see Jesus and realize their real purpose in life and how they are wasting that precious time by sewing to the wind in their wrong decisions and unhealthy life choices. Only God can change them, and sweet friend He can really change them, but you can help them find God, if you go about it in the right way.

The deepest concern that you should have for your child is not over their actions, but their heart! What really should concern you is that your child is destroying themselves, not because they are breaking rules but because they are wasting time wanting the wrong things. You need to treat them in a way that makes this clear to them. Oh they probably know, especially if they was raised in a Christian home that what they are doing is wrong and I bet that they definitely know how you feel about it! But they will always challenge you, because they have an inerrant need to see how you are going to react to their evil. Your gentle forbearance with them and sorrowful hope over their situation will show them that you are going to trust Jesus to help them; and that you are going to trust them to get to that place where they will change.

Sometimes, the more you beg, the more they rebel. You must learn to step away and even out of their space for a time if needed. Giving them space does not mean that you are withdrawing out of their life. What it means is that you are stepping back and allowing them go in the direction that they are choosing to take; and allowing God the opportunity to do whatever He must do to get their attention. Detach yourself in love!

This is where so many parents struggle. They refuse to get out of God’s way. They think that if they love enough, give enough, befriend enough, then their child will turn around and see all of that and surrender to what’s right. But what they don’t realize is that the abuser will take advantage of that help and kindness and continue to run to them for support because they know that they will get it.

The only way for you to cope with your child’s drug problem or rebellion is for you to put the problem where it belongs, with them; the addict, with the lost son that appears not to want to change, not you. I have seen parents actually become part of the problem with the child because they refuse to step back and allow God to break that child in order to bring change.

Perhaps all that we can do for them at a certain point is to love them and want them to get help. To tell them that when they are ready to make those changes and get help, we are there for them with support, love and an entire cheering section to cheer them on during their recovery. We then take care of ourselves so that we don’t lose our health, our spirituality and our minds. If that child is an adult, there isn’t much else that can be done. But be willing to step away and give God the time He needs to work in and through the situations that He will bring into their lives to get their attention, and be very still and wise not to step in when we see them hurting. Let them know that you love them but will no longer be a part of their self destruction and refuse any longer to accept the emotional grief from being so attached to their sins and rebellion.

1Corinthians 10: 21 talks about the fact that you cannot drink the chalice of the Lord, and the chalice of devils: you cannot be partakers of the table of the Lord, and of the table of demons….and sweet friend, the devil is lying to folks and telling them that they can….and many are believing that lie. They are living for the moment and their moment has turned into a lifetime and they don't even see that there is a problem any longer. But there is hope!

I had this verse III John 1:4 in my house all the years that my children were growing up. It was placed on the wall in our bathroom directly in front of them when they sat on the toilet for them to see. It says, I have no greater joy than this, to hear that my children walk in the truth. I did this to remind them that their Mom knew what the answer to all their needs, desires and wants in life was and that they would all be found in truth; and that truth would set them free from all the stronghold that life wanted to place on them. But they would have to seek for it as a precious treasure and in their journey of seeking for it, they would find it... every time (God is faithful but are we) and it would be marow to their bones and health to their bodies.

Dear friend…pray for and encourage godly people to encounter your sons and your daughters. Pray that every where they turn they will be encountered with Truth…because that is the only thing that will set them free and bring change to their world….love them and pray for them yes….but, be a godly example to them by your own lifestyle….

Never give up! Never give up!
Love you so much,
Bren